Jeepers! I didn't mean to leave ya'll hanging like that. Actually I didn't know "ya'll" existed but judging from the few panicky emails I got since the last post I figure I should update you.

One week, six days, 20 hours, 31 minutes and 27 seconds. 277 cigarettes not smoked, saving $47.11. Life saved: 23 hours, 5 minutes.

That's right. 4 hours until 2 weeks smober.

Rock!

One week, 22 hours, 45 minutes and 51 seconds. 158 cigarettes not smoked, saving $27.02. Life saved: 13 hours, 10 minutes.

Lord have mercy! I think the cravings are worse today than they've been since day 2. WTF?! Did my work out, rode my bike around, chewed up some pens...nope, mouth dry, hands clammy. People just have no idea what this is like. When does it get better? Another week of this and I'll be smoking more than I did when I quit.

Fuck.

Six days, 22 hours, 19 minutes and 16 seconds. 138 cigarettes not smoked, saving $23.56. Life saved: 11 hours, 30 minutes.

"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."
-Fletcher Knebel

Too true. And boy if there aren't a lot of people getting rich "helping people quit". Acupuncture, hypnosis, Nicotine replacement therapy....I really think I'm on to something with this whole "replace smoking with brutally exhausting excercise" kick. I mean, it's working! I know, I'm only 7 days smoke-free and I may be in for stormier seas, but so far I really don't want a cigarette after completely winding myself on one of the various torture devices at my disposal. And besides that, I feel like I may be getting into shape, which is further impetus not to light up. Geez I don't think I've ever actually been "in shape" in my whole life. Gina keeps asking me If I'm having an affair. Well yes, Gina, I am. I am having an affair with my health! Oh lawd!

Another blessing that has come my way is that it seems like for the last few days every smoker I happen to see is some remarkably sketchy, non-savory character. I mean it's like all of the sudden the only people in town who smoke are sweaty, racoon-eyed crack heads with veiny forheads. It REALLY is helping! Thank you, miserable peripheral cartoon characters! You are really helping me quit. You lovable sketchy bastards you.

Six days, 15 hours, 58 minutes and 32 seconds. 133 cigarettes not smoked, saving $22.66. Life saved: 11 hours, 5 minutes.

1 nightclub.
2 rock shows.
Many meals and beers.

0 cigarettes.

Surprised? It's the difference between "trying to quit" and "quitting".

Three days, 21 hours, 13 minutes and 50 seconds. 77 cigarettes not smoked, saving $13.21. Life saved: 6 hours, 25 minutes.

Man oh man the cravings got bad today. Sometimes while I'm eating I start to mourn the fact that there won't be a cigarette waiting at the end of the meal. Mealtime sucks! It's gotten way stressful what with the trying to not eat too much and not smoking at the end.

Went home for aerobics again today. No, aerobics is not a euphemism for bumpin uglies, I really am jumping around like a dork in front of the tv. It's working, dammit! I haven't smoked in 4 days!

When will I stop wanting to though?

Three days, 15 hours, 57 minutes and 10 seconds. 73 cigarettes not smoked, saving $12.46. Life saved: 6 hours, 5 minutes.

Craptastic! Almost 4 days. Hardest time for the last day has been first thing in the morning and after dinner at night. I think I've adequately replaced smoking with excercise in my noggin, I'm getting to where when I crave a cigarette I also crave a brisk walk. Getting winded and endorphined up is not totally disimiliar to smoking :) and just maybe is good for me! I haven't been eating any more than usual either so perhaps I'll be "in shape" in a couple of months..

This is rad because one of my main excuses for not quitting was that I didn't want to gain weight. Unfortunately, my other excuse, that I couldn't afford to be unproductive at work, is sort of coming true. I haven't gotten jack done this week.

there is such a wacky 'quit smoking' culture on the web. i swear the whole internet is like a creepy group therapy session for every fucked up thing imaginable.

I mean, granted, it's helping me and all...but still.

Two days, 23 hours, 19 minutes and 37 seconds. 59 cigarettes not smoked, saving $10.10. Life saved: 4 hours, 55 minutes.

No I haven't dropped the ball. I'm getting a pretty splintered tongue from all these damn toothpicks though!

Nice side effect: I have found that physical exertion does a pretty good job of lowering the hurt. As such I've now gone home for lunch every day for the last 3 days, and done the aerobics thing. Plus my usual 3 mile walk at night. Riding the bike to band practice tonight. It's funny, I'm only ok with the not smoking when either asleep, or absolutely killing myself with activity. Its all that downtime between sleeping and bungee jumping off of buildings that gets you.

Of course I've already used this excuse to help with initiating the extracurricular love-based activities I so enjoy partaking in.

40 Minutes until I'm (supposedly) done with the 'Hard Part'. I've hit the 'angry at tobacco companies' phase now. whyquit.com is a poorly designed and horribly written site that just so happens to push the right buttons. The first day I was dazed and confused (and lovelorn). yesterday I was pining for the girl I knew it could never work out with, and today I just fucking hate her for trying to kill me for 10 years.

See ya'll tommorow.
Pray to allah for me on Saturday, where I will be spending the evening drunk, in a bar, around people I haven't seen in a while, and probably nervous because my band is performing. Perhaps I should sit in the car until we play! Ugh. Must. Avoid. Nicotine-substitutes. Did you know that the actual long-term success rate for those things is like 1%? What a nice business to be in - selling Nicotene to Nicotene addicts. Fuckers. They're probably worse than the tobacco jerks..

See? I'm all angry.

Two days, 15 hours, 20 minutes and 33 seconds. 52 cigarettes not smoked, saving $8.97. Life saved: 4 hours, 20 minutes.

I guess the posts will become less and less interesting as I find myself traveling further and further from my addiction. Actually I'm probably being a tad idealistic, considering all of the people I see relapsing after a month off the damn stuff. To all who have been asking, I'm not using any kind of nicotine supplement, hypnosis, or anthing else. I just decided I wasn't going to smoke any more. It is helping a TON to tell everyone I'm quitting and to put up this journal, makes me feel more accountable, and makes the thought of puffing again even more unpleasant.

I even got a little tipsy last night! Which of course, alcohol and tobacco go hand in hand, but I had a few beers and made it through.

One day, 22 hours, 7 minutes and 59 seconds. 38 cigarettes not smoked, saving $6.53. Life saved: 3 hours, 10 minutes.

1 Hour and 53 minutes until I have gone 2 days without a cigarette...something I haven't gone 45 minutes without in 10 years! It really is just a matter of will. As stated, tommorow is supposed to be the big detox hell hole so we'll see what happens. The guy down the hall from me smokes a lot and I can safely say this much: it really, really does NOT smell bad yet.

One day, 16 hours, 52 minutes and 23 seconds. 34 cigarettes not smoked, saving $5.79. Life saved: 2 hours, 50 minutes.

Still pretty shakey today, but feeling LOTS better. My chest feels huge, like my ribcage is just this gigantic meadow of cold air. Throat still hurts a little, getting better rapidly. I felt 100 times better this morning than I have in a long time, despite sleeping very restlessly. I felt like I was doped up on Nyquil all night, kept waking up in kind of a pleasant haze, then actually feeling too exhausted to sleep. This morning I went through all of my drawers and through away every pack of matches, lighter, and ashtray I could find. If I relapse, I want it to be a total pain in the butt.

I still feel really hypersensitive and a bit cranky though. Last night I was just SO short with Maxwell. Trying to quit smoking + 2 year old = very murderous me. I tried to leave the room everytime he spilt, broke, or otherwise vandalized something...I.E. I wasn't in the room much last night. (2 year olds spend about 90% of their time awake trying to destroy something or kill themselves.)

Only 7 hours till 2 days have passed. Woohoo!

One day, 15 hours, 28 minutes and 33 seconds. 32 cigarettes not smoked, saving $5.59. Life saved: 2 hours, 40 minutes.

Wow. More than a day and a half! Thanks, Greg for the tea tree oil toothpicks. It feels good to have something hot n' spicy in my mouth, though It's kind of making my coffee taste like shit.

Today I believe I am in phase II : Mourning the loss of a ritual. I'm actually kind of feeling sad at the idea that I may never smoke again. This is what has frightened me from the beginning of this experiment: I don't actually want to quit. I'm only quitting with my brain at this point - which is really fucking difficult. I am lousy at changes, I get homesick for the most ridiculous of things. When I was a youngun, If I went to someone's house to spend the night, and realized that I forgot my toothbrush or something, it was just too much. I'd usually have to hide in the bathroom and cry for a few minutes.

And word on the street is that day 3 sucks the hardest. I'm looking forward to it. Ugh.

Welp I reckon I'm substantially past the 24 hour mark. Had a pretty brutal couple of hours upon my return home from work. I think it was full on withdrawal - got kinda shaky and actually pretty depressed. It was extreme, sudden, and short-lived. I almost folded. Acting like I was this evening, it didn't appear I was doing my family any favors by ceasing to smoke.

Today's research concerning quitting statistics was probably more disturbing than I 'let on' in an earlier post. I seriously will not let this become a life-long struggle. If I'm still dying for a cigarette 2 months from now then I will accept defeat...It's just not a life if I spend it hankering for forbidden fruits, you know? The extremity of tonight's shittiness gave me the clear-headedness to realize that I might not be able to do this right now, yet. But hell, I'm creepin up on 30 Hours here so who knows..

Actually I'd be perfectly happy to be one of those freaks who can just smoke one cigarette a day after work. I just can't imagine how that happens! One things for sure, all this yammering on about it makes me feel pretty silly about my dumb habit.

one thing that helps: excercise. Took a coupla miles walk , then did one of the aerobics tapes we have laying around (don't laff) when the urge hit hard as fuck around 7:00. Pretty incredible as far as lessening the craving goes.

I'm hitting the sack early tonight. I don't jones when I'm sleeping.

22 hours, 44 minutes and 39 seconds. 18 cigarettes not smoked, saving $3.22. Life saved: 1 hour, 30 minutes.

Welp, the longest 24 hours in recent memory has almost passed. I'm going home for the day, because I can't seem to get anything done. Embarrasingly ridiculous, I know. I'm totally crippled by this habit. I'll try to get on tonight and update this thing.

22 hours, 9 minutes and 51 seconds. 18 cigarettes not smoked, saving $3.14. Life saved: 1 hour, 30 minutes.

So I'm hanging out in this alt.support.stop.smoking.you.fuggin.jackass newsgroup and there are like, vets there. People who have been hanging out long enough to post timers like the one above that tell them they've avoided smoking 19 million cigarettes and saved themselves a small fortune. This is not encouraging. My understanding was that this isn't like being an alcoholic. My understanding was that you make it over a hump of x days/weeks and you no longer need a support network or words of encouragement. Crap! I'd rather just keep on smoking than agonize over quitting for the next 20 years.

*sigh*

About an hour and a half until a day has passed. Perhaps if i drink mucho water and pee alot I can get the nicotine outta here quicker...

21 hours, 19 minutes and 43 seconds. 17 cigarettes not smoked, saving $3.02. Life saved: 1 hour, 25 minutes.

Christ almighty people what have you been doing for the last 10 years while I was smoking? I'm so bored! I have no forced activity to compartmentalize my day into convenient chunks.

The painful thing right now is I have to stay focused on smoking in order to not accidentally do it. It sounds crazy, I know...but I've been doing this thing 20 times a day for 10 years and now all of the sudden I'm stopping. It's really fucking with my program, BESIDES the intense Nicotine addiction. It's like all of the sudden being expected to, um, sleep without a pillow. There's no comparison! That's whats so hard about this, what other activities do you perform 20 times a day except for vital involuntary functions? It BECOMES a vital, involuntary function! It's like breathing and blinking. And I think I just got some goddamn ink in my mouth from sucking on this goddamn pen.

20 hours, 49 minutes and 53 seconds. 17 cigarettes not smoked, saving $2.95. Life saved: 1 hour, 25 minutes.

Holy crap! It's almost been a whole day. Just for perspective: I was actually cresting the 1 pack a day routine, meaning, I seldom went more than 45 MINUTES without smoking Much less 24 Hours! This is a pretty big deal for me. Not encouraging to read that the worst day is the 3rd, I guess that is the final purge at work.

I really need to just tell my clients that I'm off work for the week. Just kinda sitting here in a blur. Everything kind of seems slow-motioney. I am truly amazed at what a grip this drug had on my system. I feel downright drunk at the moment. And bored!

I almost caved in about 45 minutes ago, caught myself making the decision to just allow myself one cigarette a day. Yeah right. Like that's gonna work with me. I'd be upping the rations to 20 a day by next week.

I really hope that my next post doesn't say "i gave in and smoked one".

Shit.

Oh, and by the way, I've got about 53 hours to go until the nicotine is officially out of my system...

That seems like an awfully long time right now.

18 hours, 31 minutes and 35 seconds. 15 cigarettes not smoked, saving $2.62. Life saved: 1 hour, 15 minutes.

Ok here's the part of the day I've been dreading. Completing a meal. Nothing puts the hurt on for some nicotine like a full belly. So far, so good. A little headache but for the most part I'm staying straight. I think I need a brisk walk. Perhaps I'll check out early today.

my body seems angry. like it knows I'm depriving it of something i taught it to rely on. i keep wondering if it's just going to commit mutiny and take over the mechanics, leaving my brain to just watch in horror as I purchase a crisp new box of merits.

mmmm. I wish it would.


Yummy.

17 hours, 19 minutes and 10 seconds. 14 cigarettes not smoked, saving $2.45. Life saved: 1 hour, 10 minutes.

More euphoric than murderous in the last hour. Skin is crawling, but in an almost pleasant, goosebumpy way. I keep thinking about that nicotene gum but I want to try to cold turkey this. If it becomes absolutely unbearable I'll get the gum or a patch...Somehow I get the feeling that using a nic supplement would be kind of like backsliding. I want this shit outta my system as fast as possible.

The last few months my throat has hurt a little in the morning, like I've been sleeping in a motel with the heat on high. I can already feel the improvement in this area. Also, my office doesn't stink. Pretty cool.

But dang I wanna put something in my mouth and inhale the smoke from it. so. bad.
People say tobacco is more addictive than heroin? I dunno. I mean, this sucks...but I have very very low willpower and a very addictive personality...And I appear to be pulling this off.

And I've seen people coming off of heroin. It's WAY worse.

16 hours, 58 minutes and 59 seconds. 14 cigarettes not smoked, saving $2.40. Life saved: 1 hour, 10 minutes.

Lord have mercy this is a slow day! I actually have tons of work I need to do but I can't stop staring at black lung photos on the internet. It helps (a little). I keep feeling like I need to go outside and do something. Breathing air is so boring! It doesn't even taste like anything.

I want to get some nicotene gum but it costs like 50 dollars?! That's a new playstation2 game fer cryin out loud!

15 hours, 57 minutes and 49 seconds. 13 cigarettes not smoked, saving $2.26. Life saved: 1 hour, 5 minutes.

So I got this goofy timer thing, it keeps a running tab of the statistics above. I can't tell if it actually helps or just keeps reminding me that I want a cigarette.

Just in the last hour or so I think I've started to really feel the effects of "jonesing". I keep getting kind of light headed, and jumping from euphoric to wanting to kill the next person that I see. When you first start smoking, or even if you go, say, a couple hours longer than usual without one, I guess you either tend to 'hotbox' it, or for whatever reason it can fuck you up for a few minutes. I'm feeling like that right now. Kinda tingly at the extremeties, heart beating a little fast, eyes watery. Sounds extreme, doesn't it?

Well it fucking is. This sucks.

This afternoon I was driving home from work and found myself crumpling up a pack of cigarettes and declaring out loud some corny 12-stepper type sentiments. I don't know where it came from. I don't want to quit. I know I should, but I don't want to. I really really like smoking. I like the taste of it, and the ability it gives me to emphasize points of a conversation.

*sigh*. But I'm diddy now. It's certainly not making me better at that. It costs too much. I don't want to die early, I got too much cool shit goin on to be doing something this stupid. I'm going to start blogging this morning, in the interest of self-therapy. If you're reading this, don't expect necessarily funny or witty writing. I just need something to do with my fucking hands before I start smoking a piece of paper from the trash can.